March 02, 2004

Love & dating...9
When you first broke up with your bf/gf, what was the first emotion that you experienced? Was it anguish? Hurt? Disappointment? Pity? Hatred? Happiness? Relief? Or what?

I don't quite remember for my own case, and probably for my own good too. It could have been hurt and disappointment, it could be anguish and hatred. It could even be 'nonchalance', since I honestly have broken up a number of times with the same person. But, let's not go into that.

Thereafter, when every single nerve-wrecking crying spells has left you, and your good sense comes back, what do you still hold for your xbf/xgf? I guess, we always try to move on. Our friends' good counsel. But, to attain the 'I've moved on' belief is such a tricky thing. It dodges you when you try too hard, claims you when you do not try and then, leaves you just when you thought you had it.

I think, it's cos there is this thing called 'regret'. Regret for not being able to hold on, regret for not being more patient, regret for not taking more initiative, regret for not being the person that you are now, regret for not being at the right place at the right time. Regret demands that you stop and ask yourself if you've truly moved on, and if so, how far have you put the past behind you. Regret raises self doubt about what you still hold for your xbf/xgf. Self-defensively, we combat Regret. We combat it by allowing ourselves to think of 'what if's, 'maybe's and living in unlimited possibilities. Nobody likes to live in regret.

Yet, we all have regrets. 'Cos thinking about something alone, feeling regretful about something alone does not mean you will be able to do something to leave Regret behind. Sometimes, we just have to live with Regret. Note: I said live WITH, not live in. The beauty of having regrets is the hope that you will not make the same regret again. But, that doesnt mean you are entitled to absolve from the existing ones.

Such is the thing that has been on my mind the past few days, almost every other idle minute, and definitely before I go to bed.

May you have a life of enough regrets to make you cherish the present better.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 09:48